Death — and life-giving — communications, and why I love it

With help from the Lilja Communications team, I just finished helping a colleague write her husband’s obituary. This is soul-satisfying work — something I really enjoy doing.

It isn’t about the person’s accomplishments during their life, though that is certainly a part of it. It’s about capturing the essence of a person through a few well-placed stories or a saying that can bring them to life to help share their story and, in the process, shape their legacy.

Where it began: A personal calling

I came into this work early when my beloved mother-in-law died suddenly at age 61. I offered to help write her story, both as a paid obituary and as a news release, given my work in public relations. I continued to do this when my own father passed away from pancreatic cancer at 68. Once again, I drafted a paid obituary as well as what I started calling an “obit story” — a more complete account of Dad’s life, work and passions. This time, I was interviewed about my dad, something new for me. The experience would help me understand what my clients were going through in the future when I passed along a reporter’s request to speak with them about their departed loved one.

Managing the media spotlight

When a client’s mother passed away, someone I had just begun to know through working on a family history project, I sat down one morning, cup of tea in hand, and wrote an obit story. That story, after the family’s careful review and editing, went out over the newswire. I found myself coordinating news stories and interviews with grieving family members.

Later, the family patriarch also passed away. I was on a silent retreat when the text came through that the end was near; I ended up driving home and working through the weekend. We had earlier drafted a bio that I refined — something the news media does in advance for prominent people, as I later found out. This, too, went out over the newswire, and I once again coordinated media stories and interviews. Given the interest, I also kept reporters at a respectful distance during the wake and then coordinated with local TV stations to have a news feed of the memorial service. We compiled a book of the numerous news stories, as well as a DVD of the TV coverage, as keepsakes for the family.

Guiding families through grief

One day, I got a call from a business acquaintance, asking if I could help release the news of another prominent gentleman’s passing, one who had founded several companies during his long career. When I called his daughter, she told me that her father had died two weeks before, but that they’d “been in their own personal pity pot and hadn’t known what to do.” I told her I could help with that. The family sent over a stack of magazines with stories about their dad, and I wrote an obit story, supplemented with quotes from his daughter. This also went out over the newswire, and we followed up with a list of obituary writers from Women’s Wear Daily to the New York Times, Washington Post, Los Angeles Times and Star Tribune, placing stories in all of them. I remember chatting with one of the obituary writers, who said that this was one of the best obituary news releases he’d ever received! I was thrilled.

The dilemma of naming the work

When I was running Lilja Communications, we talked as a team about whether we should promote our expertise in this work. It is a natural extension of Lilja Lifestories, which often involves preserving and sharing a legacy. However, we could never think of a way to label it. “Death communications” described it but seemed kind of depressing. We also didn’t want people to think we were ambulance chasing.

The gift of time and peace

Later, I helped a colleague announce the death of her husband, a prominent Minnesota politician. She later told me that the help she received dealing with the news media was a wonderful investment because it freed up her daughters’ hearts and minds. Both wrote stunning reflections about their father that were printed in the memorial program that day. I was deeply touched.

Death — and life-giving — communications

How do you sum up a life in a matter of paragraphs? That is the challenge — and the opportunity. Somehow, I have come to love doing that, a love that my daughter, Kate, has also embraced. She and her team have just handled two major announcements and done them compassionately, professionally and, I might add, completely — from local news stories in two markets to interviews on public radio.

So, I will call it what it is: “death — and life-giving — communications.” Handled compassionately and professionally, it is a life-giving process for those who are left behind, as we help them find the right way — and words — to honor their loved one.

And in the process, souls are fed, including ours.

Lilja Communications can provide support when a prominent figure passes away, so families can focus on what matters most. Learn more about Memorial Storytelling.